12 replies to this topic

[JerDon]

For starters, my girlfriend/fiance is a mormon... I plan on having a long loving life with this woman because we have understandings of each others beliefs. However, It is becoming more and more difficult to deal with hers since when she tries to explain it to me I have to contain my laughter. I feel absolutely terrible when I can't look her in the eyes and tell her that her beliefs are sensible. Please don't judge me unless you KNOW the stories and origins of the mormons.
Along with that I live with my parents who are christians. They always poke fun at me and act like this is some sort of phase. I don't know how to deal with this anymore it is driving me crazy to look all around me and see them mocking me and prodding at me about my beliefs.
Also, my girlfriend wants to raise our children to be mormons. I told her that I wanted that to be their choice and I would not allow her to brainwash them. She started to cry and wouldn't talk to me for a couple days. We started talking about it again soon after and she just will not compromise. Thank you for your time and patience with my terrible grammar, please give me some advice....

[Ungodly]

Hi JerDon,

Welcome to the forum.  I'm sorry that you are finding yourself in such a difficult situation right now, honestly you do have my sympathy and I hope I can offer you some sort of insights into your situation.

I'm a whole lot older than you are, and I have been in quite a few relationships over the years with both men and women.  I have learned a few things about what makes a relationship last and what makes one fail.

One thing I do believe is that a good relationship requires compatibility in world view.  In other words in order for two people to get along for a long period of time they must share a common set of values.

When I met my husband I knew within 6 hours that I wanted us to be a couple.  In fact I informed him on that first day that I would require him to live with me thereafter.  It was a case of getting along very well at first site.

I hate idiotic ancient superstitions, he hates idiotic ancient superstitions.

I believe in a reality-based lifestyle choice, he believes in a reality based lifestyle choice.

I'm a vegetarian, he's a vegetarian.

I think it is OK for 2 men to have an intimate relationship, he thinks it is OK for 2 men to have an intimate relationship.

I think Monty Python created some of the best comedy ever produced in the English language, he thinks Monty Python created some of the best comedy ever produced in the English language.

I'm a computer nerd, he is a computer nerd.

I have nothing but contempt for the Party of Jesus (formerly the Republican Party), he has nothing but contempt for the Party of Jesus.

My point is that it is the things you have in common with somebody else that makes a successful long term relationship possible.  The bloom of romance and the heights of passion soon begin to fade.  If that is the only thing holding a couple together they've got maybe 2 or 3 years tops.

These are my opinions that I'm offering because you seemed to ask for them.  Other decent, clever people might disagree.

Thanks for joining the forum! 

Steve

[Storybook]

JerDon,

Thank you for telling us a bit about yourself.  I agree with what Ungodly said with one difference.  I don’t think people have to have all the same interests and hobbies for a relationship to work.  I have different interests and hobbies than my husband but we both accept and support each other’s interests.  However, your marriage will have a better chance of success if you share the same VALUES and beliefs.  I do know of marriages where one person is a devout Catholic and the other is not but they both accept each other’s beliefs and so it has worked out for them.  There has to be a lot of tolerance on both partner’s part for a marriage to work when their faith is different.  It sounds like your fiancé is set on raising her kids in the church while you are against it.  This will be a constant source of conflict between you two unless you resolve it BEFORE marriage.

Is your fiance’s family mormon and are they devout?  If so, they might expect you to convert.  Do her parents accept you as you are?  If not, there will be tension in your marriage from your future in-laws, especially if your fiancé is close to them.

Also, are your parents criticizing your fiancé being mormon or are they making fun of your atheism?  Do your parents like your fiancé? 

I hope you have a long engagement to work these issues out before marriage so that your marriage has a better chance of being happier and successful.

[Ungodly]

I agree with what Ungodly said with one difference.  I don’t think people have to have all the same interests and hobbies for a relationship to work.  I have different interests and hobbies than my husband but we both accept and support each other’s interests. 

Absolutely true, Storybook, I agree.  I only mentioned the things I have in common with my lovely husband, but not where we differ.  But any 2 people will always have differences, and that is a good thing.

In the final analysis true love is all about accepting someone exactly as they are, without any unwise notions about getting them to change later.   It ain't gonna happen either.   If you think somebody needs to change to be your ideal mate, then they are not your ideal mate.

[Storybook]

In the final analysis true love is all about accepting someone exactly as they are, without any unwise notions about getting them to change later.   It ain't gonna happen either.   If you think somebody needs to change to be your ideal mate, then they are not your ideal mate.

Sooooo very true!  Many divorces could be avoided if people knew that truth.

[The White Coyote]

Always follow your heart. If you BOTH truly believe you can make this work out, you will. However if there is any doubt that you will fail, you will. My gut feeling is from what you said, this aint going to work. Better to part friends now and cry a little, then live in misery for years and cry all the time.

[Casmir]

Find someone else, seriously. I was in your position too. You say she is understanding of your beliefs but it really doesn't sound like she is. I bet once you move on (if you do) and you talk to her later, she'll admit that she was afraid of you and your beliefs. This is what happened to me. I'm now set on finding another atheist like myself with good morals who I can spend my life with.

[Storybook]

I wonder what JerDon decided and how happy he is now with his choice. 

[JerDon]

I'm so sorry I couldn't post this sooner... My internet crapped out on me and I haven't been on in weeks.. or months, I don't know but still, I have had a few talks with her and her parents are accepting, yet apprehensive about an Atheist dating their daughter, no they are not "that" devout, since her father is not Mormon and her mom is pretty hypocritical since she only became devout in recent years. Thank you for all your input for what it is worth so late...

(details: Some fiber optic line or something was cut and there was no power for a few weeks on my block. PLUS the internet thing seemed to be low on their priority list of "fix'ems" to do...)

[Storybook]

JerDon!!!  I didn't think we would hear back from you.  If your girlfriend's parents are accepting then that is in your favor especially if the father is not mormon.  The parents probably just want to make sure you have good solid values and will be kind/loving/trustworthy towards their daughter.  I hope your relationship works out for you.

[jbug]

Good luck. Relationships are hard work and it's a bit easier if you both come ffrom simalar viewpoints. I've only recently admitted to being an atheist and my spouse isn't totally on board, but he's getting there. Helps if your girlfriend is interested in learning and supporting beliefs with evidence

[Sammie Jo]

Find someone else, seriously. I was in your position too. You say she is understanding of your beliefs but it really doesn't sound like she is. I bet once you move on (if you do) and you talk to her later, she'll admit that she was afraid of you and your beliefs. This is what happened to me. I'm now set on finding another atheist like myself with good morals who I can spend my life with.

I'm in agreement here, life is too short to have to squabble about how to raise the kids etc, and you holding back laughter, btw, don't, just let it all out, if she can't take it, meaning she can't take your beliefs or lack thereof, it just isn't going to work sugah.
I've got friends who spout their religious crap at me, and I used to just grin and bear it, now I just give them a big grin and say, "OKAY, whatever you think". That drives them nuts, and they've slowed down their buybull talk.
The old saying about there are plenty of fish in the sea is true, and at 19, you have your whole life ahead of you, why waste 20 years of it fighting?

[The White Coyote]

The most difficult thing in life to change is your heart. If it comes as a natural occurence, then it is all good. But if you try to change your heart to suit someone else you will always hold that in person in contempt. You can not change, and unfortunately, neither can she. Just your admission to a problem on this forum is evidence that you have a big problem. Better to face the reality now and find someone who is already in line with your feelings. A hard choice and I don't envy you, but the facts are in and the jury has already signed the papers I think. Good luck.