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my life up to this point, a long bio

Posted by alteredmind , 02 February 2015 · 3,290 views

I thought before I start this blog I would give a bio so those that read can understand where I am coming from. I don't know what I should name this blog, I thought perhaps something like a epic drama perhaps, you might even agree with me once you read my bio.

my life is sort of like a calm yet almost lifeless experiance, almost like I am in a frozen time warp where time stops rather then living in the present moment but my youngest years were more like living in the present I supose. I don't even remember what it felt like to live this way and I don't even think I can live the same way again for fear that it might make me miserable and put me in a worse situation that I am already in. Any way I will begin. I was born in Roseville hospital about 30 minutes away from Sacramento california. I may have been born a little sick or yellowish in the face, I think I was put in a incubater or was born with my mothers Imbellical cord rapped around my neck, I don't know how true that story is but it was what my brother told me so it's anyone's guess for how I was born and I was born in the evening around 5:30pm.
As I have told you before I grew up in a dysfunctional family, it was a emotionally abusive one rather then a violent one doubled with extream bullying witch I will get to later. This is not to say that had anything to do with me turning atheist and in denile that some god out there in the universe exists becuase of my bad experiances. I suppose I fit the good little boy gone fullblown bad atheist steriotype that christians talk about but I'm really not that bad at all once you get to know me. I'm actually a decent human being. Also i didn't grow up in a religious household, it was more secular then religious and my per ents diddnt make me go to church. I am originally from California but have lived in other states mainly becuase my step per ent was in the army and merried to my mother. I have a younger brother and a sister as well as a little brother who's father was my step perent. Many eons ago when my mother was merried to my bio dad. Every thing until I was 8 or 9 years old seemed to be a golden Era for me in my individual life when it really wasn't and I was pretty much a very happy boy despite what I didn't understand and was completely unaware of. My father loved my brother more then he loved me and would call me stupid sometimes. He tried to get me and my brother to drink beer when I was only 5 and he was just 3. When my mother found out she had a fit. They divorced at the point when I was 9 or 8 and my father molested my sister, she was only 3 when that happened. My father was not really a alcoholic as far as I was aware, he met my mom when she was only 16 and he was in his early twenties. My mom had me when she was 22, I was the first born but years later she told me she had a abortion from another guy before my dad and I balieve for a long time that my dad was her first. I had friends growing up but outside of school exept for the school I graduated from. When my mother divorced my dad about a year later we moved to another neighborhood about 20 or 30 minutes away from the first house I grew up in. She met my step perent witch was my younger brothers friend's older brother. My mom and him had been seeing eachother secretly I think. He was only 16 when they met and she was in her early 30s. When my friends mom found out they were seeing eachother, she was Piss ed and tried to call Satu tory rape on my mom but he was a fool and stayed with my mother. I guess he wasn't just coming over to the house just for math tutoring and to get help with his homework,he never finished highschool and dropped out becuase of my mom. they got merried when he was 18 and got my mother pregnant, my mom planned it. On that day my mother told me and my brother she was going to have a baby and wanted tto know if it was OK with us, I was just a kid, I didn't understand, I will never forget that day. Him and my mother always got into arguments, would always fight and would fight more when he was in the military. My house when I lived in Killeen fort hood was the loudest house on the block. Me and my step perent never really got along that well and never really saw eye to eye with eachother. He would at times force me to have these little talks behind my mother's back. I didn't feel comfortable about it and never liked or agreed with what he said, I grew to ignore that as I got older yet he never talked to my brother that way. One time my mother and him were arguing with eachother in there bedroom and she started screaming and yelling at him. It got so bad that the neighbor across the street called the mp's on us. I stood at the doorway of my per ents room when my mother was screaming for help and yelled for me to help her as she was hitting him while he pinned her down to the bed. I was traumatized and didn't know what to do, I was thinking of listening to my mom and run in there and attack him, I diddnt. I just stood there with a stunned look on my face I suppose. I tended to my other siblings in my brothers room and when the cops got there they told me to tell them my side of what happened. I couldn't tell them and just said I don't want to watch my family go up in smoke. They said ok and left. I never got along with my sister very well either and she would always say belittling things to me, put me down, we just never had a normal sibling rel asti on ship like I had with my bro. I was like the little brother rather then my bro while he was the older one. I never liked being in school that much and was a victum of extream bullying. School for me was a mostly like a prison rather n then a place to learn and feel safe or comfertable. My brother visited me a free w years ago and said I was right all along about are family being fucked up to witch years ago when I told him, he said I diddnt know what I was talking about. Balieve it or not my bro used to be a atheist and now he is a baliever in the Christian god and balieve jesus existed As a historical fact. I miss his old self. My extended family has a history if drug abuse and racism witch I am not proud of. They are a little dysfunctional to. I hardly am not as independent or functional as on once was, I hardly know how to take care of myself anymore and I don't want to move in with my per ents and would rather be a bum th e have to move in wi th any family.bia about 60% independent, I have my own car but no longer know how to get to places exept bye a few of them with just visual memory alone. I'm on social security disability and ssi witch is my only income. I haven't worked s since 2008. I'm 30 years old and unemployed and don't know how to take care of myself 100% I have schtizoeffective dissorder. I don't remember much ofth e stuff becuase of disability and I put all The negativity behind and have tried to move foward with my life. I don't remember very many good experiances becuase most of them were bad. I graduated high school but was taken out on my senior year and home schooled for the rest of the year becuase i had my first sphycotic breakdown and was diagnosed with pera noyed schizophrenia witch was years later found out to be the wrong diagnoses. I was hospitalized for only 2 weeks and signed myself out, never finishing treatment. I just remember when I came home, I started taking extreamly hot baths becuase i some how thought it would turn my skin darker to make me look more Hispanic or mexican. Then I would go into my room with only my towel on listening to Spanish music on the radio dancing like an idiot. I also remember being in my step per ents car with him driving and me trying to jump out of the car while he sped up with the door hung open on my side with my leg hanging out. After my mother took me to see several specialists and a phyciatrist in Austin texas and taking meds regularly, I was somehow manipulated or convinced to move in with my grandma in Dallas as I thought after all that it would be a good idea. It was not to bad living with them but my grandmother after spending the whole summer there doing nothing but, playing video games, staying up late watching adult swim, Howard Stern and smoking new ports out in the backyard at midnight. After the summer ended I spent the whole year looking for a job. It was a pain in the ass to get a job and finally get my foot in the door so to speak, I filled out so many applications, went threw a bunch of job screenings and interviews trying my best and no one would let me get what I wanted, I guess I just wasn't good at job interviews I suppose. I at least had one job experiance during the summer of my junior year in highschool but I guess that wasn't good enough for them. When I finally got my second job it only lasted for 4 months before everyone was laid off and the warehouse shut down becuase of something to do with competing steal prices from china. I was Piss ed becuase i was just about to move out and get my own place when that shit happened. I was very disapointed. Every other job I had since that, I was laid off or stoped doing it becuase i was in college and needed to go back to school for classes.i couldn't go to school and work at the same time becuase it was just to stressfull. I already new what I wanted to do. I was looking foward to a bright and successful future as a computer support technition. Unfortunately I dropped out of college becuase i was very mental and wasn't in the right state of mind to be going there and diddnt want to act up or do something crazy becuase of a student that said a few triggering things to me as he walked by so I just left one day and never came back and the most ironic thing was that I was doing well academicly. I look back on this and wish that I would have reported him to the police witch everything that happened to me later could have been avoided and I would probably have my d agree right now and working. One of the reasons I decided to go back to school after declaring to myself that I was never going to return was becuase i had received a 22000 dollar inheritance that my grandma on my dad's side left for me in witch I spent it somewhat wisely on college tuition. I spent it on a new car becuase i really needed one and on rent. That my grandmother made me pay for. I was cut off food stamps and a small ssi check becuase the government found out that I had a 22000 dollars inheritance. I had no idea that this would happen and I diddnt know I was breaking the law, it was completly unexpected. I think it was put into a trust fund. Becuase of that the government said I had to pay them back all the ssi money witch was 4000 dollars that I spent, I thought it wasn't right or fare. If I diddnt they would cut me off. I basicly said screw them and I got a expensive louyer and went to court to try to get my a peal passed. The government won the case, I was so disapointed and guess what, I diddnt have enough to pay them back however my grandma payed them so i was fortunate I guess then I had to reapply for it, I did and once I got it I moved out and got my own place witch I spent the remaining money from my savings on stuff for my apartment like cook ware, ext... important stuff. At some point my social worker suggested that I could try a c.e.t course. I took up his offer and spent a year in the cet program. I graduated but my mother never showed up for the graduation cerimony, I guess she diddnt care. I was going to go back to collegeand work but fore some reason I forget, my plans got ruined and spending time with my family and there problems just blew the grey matter out of my brain like I got a big mental blow job. I found them to be toxic for my health and I have pretty much been gone without them ever since exept for my brother, the only one I was ever close with. I ended up moving out of my nice apartment with a den becuase it was getting to be to expensive and quincidently my great aunt moved in right under me or that was the story my grandma told me, I diddnt balieve her and thought the real reason was becuase of some religious family closeness thing and I diddnt want to be apart of it. I moved into another but smaller place in the same apartment complex with no bedroom with a smaller stove, sink and fridge, yes I downgraded to save more money. You would think that over time I would upgrade to a better and bigger place like normal people but not me, nope. I also am disapointed in myself becuase one of my biggest fears came true and that was that I have become lazy and all that effort to build up my motivation and get my will back to normal from all those therapy visits failed big time. Now I have to get out of being lazy or get rid of it before I can start working on getting my will and motivation back so basicly I have a new problem on my hands now, great. I diddnt see my therapist at all last year becuase of some external problems and money problems that I had no control over. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to have a normal life. I'm probably never going to see my life change for the better. It looks like the only one who is going to save me is myself, I'm the only one who can do it.

That's a lot of information you've packed into that post. I'll read it again soon, but just for the moment I will focus on the last bit where you say you are getting lazy and losing your motivation:


I'm wondering if maybe you could try doing some volunteer work. It worked for me many years ago and it might work for you as well. Even if it is only a couple of hours per week, it might be enough to help you start looking toward the future again. Even if it doesn't lead to permanent work, it may still be enough to brighten up your attitude - and if you are feeling good then you can more easily handle any problems that may arise.


Let me point out, too, that I am not just coming up with this idea off the top of my head. My work history is very much like yours. I spent my whole life working in dead-end jobs and, like you, I was always one of the first to be sacked during economic downturns. My resume looked like shit and I had long periods of unemployment between jobs because employers thought (probably correctly) that I was unreliable. But when I finally hit upon the idea of doing volunteer work; that's when I got myself out of the doldrums and found the motivation to get things moving again.


You also say, "I didn't see my therapist at all last year."


I guess you don't need me to tell you that you should get in touch with them again. In fact you could make that your starting point on the road to recovery. Promise yourself that for the next year you will attend every single appointment without complaint. Make that your goal for the rest of 2015 and regard the whole year as a success if you manage to do so. If you do that, you might feel a little better about the way in which you tackle things in the future.


I wish you all the best,

Joe Bloe

May 2019

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