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Saints, and we're not talking football teams here.

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16 replies to this topic

#1
The White Coyote

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Now I am not nor have I ever been a Catholic. My sister was one for awhile so she could marry her first or second husband. (I think she's on number 4 or 5 now. Number 3 turned to voodoo and wanted to kill chickens in the kitchen, but I digress.) Anyway I always thought the Saint business was interesting and here's a few I hope you'll get a kick out of too. These are actual and I did not make this shit up.

Apollinia, sacred saint of toothache sufferers had all her teeth pulled out by the romans to get her to forsake Christianity. She didn't and they were going to burn her at the stake but she saved them the rope and just jumped into the fire on her own! You can see some of her teeth and holy jaws in churches in Europe.

Brigid, sacred saint of milkmaids, nuns, fugitives (?) and newborns, was able to increase the amount of butter in a household. (WTF?) Anyway she was absolutely gorgeous and was having trouble keeping her vow of chastity cuz all the young men wanted into her bloomers. So she prayed to God to deform her which caused one of her eyeballs to grow huge and the other virtually disappeared. Her father was then convinced she was to ugly to walk the streets and let her join a convent. There she continued making more butter and found a new trick of turning her bathwater into beer for visiting priests. (My kinda gal!)

Gwen, the sacred saint of nursing mothers was given the gift of a third boob when she gave birth to triplets.

Christina the Astonishing, is the patron saint of psychiatrists. She flew out of her coffin at her funeral mass and said she had been resurected to help the suffering souls in purgatory be released.  She spent the rest of her life in the tops of towers and perching on weathervanes to avoid objectionable smells, particularly the smell of men.

Triduana, the patron saint of eye disease popped out her eyeballs and sent them to a Scottish chief who had fallen in love with her.

#2
The Force

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Anne, the patron saint of garbagemen, was discovered as a small child in a dumpster behind a convent. She had a taste for cardboard that the Church couldn't quite remedy, which may have contributed to her early demise. She is also lesser known as the patron saint of refrigerator boxes.

Rose, the patron saint of serial killers, axes, and butcher knives- well, let's just say that the movie Se7en was based on her life.

Maria, the patron saint of proctologists- okay, never mind.

Don't mind me, I'm being a smart@$$ today. :drunken:

#3
Ungodly

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Don't mind me, I'm being a smart@$$ today. :drunken:


There is one thing that nobody should ever have to do, and that is apologize for making fun of a specific religion, or for that matter making fun of all religions.

That would be like apologizing for putting apples in an apple pie.

#4
The White Coyote

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Whats really funny is the saints The Force posted don't sound any more ridiculous then those I posted. :snork_lach:

#5
Seti

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Ol' John Paul was the one for saints. He made more in his reign than in the past 500 years - and Papa Ratzi is already hot on his tail with five new ones. And guess what - he's putting up JP for future sainthood - the first pope to nominate his predecessor. Sounds a bit like our habit in the UK of making former Prime Ministers into Lords. Would I be cynical if I was to suggest Papa Ratzi is hoping to set a new tradition, and wind up being a saint himself? Patron Saint of Nazis, perhaps?
:fi_lone_ranger:

#6
The White Coyote

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Then there was good old Saint Agatha. Patron Saint of nurses and breast disease patients. She thwarted the affections of a Roman senator so he had her boobs chopped off. (That just had to hurt!) But no worrys! because she was so holy Saint Peter (wonder what he cut off?) restored old Agathas boobs, however she was burned at the stake, BUT never fear an eartquake interr :snork_lach:upted the proceedings so the romans just lopped old Agathas cocoanut off and that did the trick. Another testament that God can't regrow limbs. Tits? Yes! Heads? Nope!

#7
The Force

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Another testament that God can't regrow limbs. Tits? Yes! Heads? Nope!


Well, according to some people, that just shows that gawd's got his priorities straight, the dirty old coot.

Anyone else here have catholic friends who have St. Christopher medallions hanging from their rearview mirrors? Apparently, having a metallic likeness of some random dude in your car prevents accidents from happening, although my friends' car has broken down twice in the past year. I'll pass on the patron saint of travelers and go with Allstate instead....

#8
The White Coyote

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Back in the dark ages when I went to high school for a short period of time, there was a kid who was in a fender bender accident and he was wearing a St. Christopher medallion around his neck. When the car he was riding in rear ended the guy in front of them, the medal flew up and chipped his tooth! God damn that was funny! I hadn't thought of that little episode in a gazillion years. I even remember the kids name, Steve Tallman. Whatta dork! [smilie=dunceblock.gif]

#9
Falco Black

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interr :snork_lach:upted

:smt046

#10
Falco Black

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Back in the dark ages when I went to high school for a short period of time, there was a kid who was in a fender bender accident and he was wearing a St. Christopher medallion around his neck. When the car he was riding in rear ended the guy in front of them, the medal flew up and chipped his tooth! God damn that was funny! I hadn't thought of that little episode in a gazillion years. I even remember the kids name, Steve Tallman. Whatta dork! [smilie=dunceblock.gif]


Ha, wonder if he prayed to "Apollinia, sacred saint of toothache sufferers..." ?  :smt040

#11
The White Coyote

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WASUP Falco?  :snork_lach: I can't stop giggling about old Tallman. He's probably a rich fat banker with an ugly flat chested :snork_shok: wife and a couple of fat spoiled kids. Betcha he don't wear no Saint Peter medals either.

#12
Unbeliever

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Is there no end to the RCC's insatiable appetite for bogus saints? Here's a page about Saint Goncalo, the patron saint of hemerrhoids (among others):

St. Goncalo

#13
Ungodly

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There really IS one born-again every minute.

#14
Unbeliever

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More saints

#15
Seti

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Apparently there's more than 10,000 of the buggers. Must be pretty crowded up there!
:fi_lone_ranger:

#16
lady

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Everybody needs one of these or maybe 2 or 3. Posted Image

Posted Image



#17
Abandoned_Mind

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I'll drink to that!        :drunken_smilie1:


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