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Joke Churches

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#1
jonathanlobl

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Now that Disney -- AKA, The Evil Empire -- has put so much effort into killing Star Wars -- I think it's a lot less fun, to claim to belong to the Jedi religion.

 

How does everybody feel about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

 

[smilie=happydance.gif] 

 

[smilie=happyspin.gif] 

 

 

Of course, this group would need a gluten free, vegan version, with low sodium, to perform the sacraments.  Could the arthritics in the group, have tomato sauce?  

 

[smilie=happy.gif] 

 

No Barillo products.

 

Vegan cheese?

 

[smilie=giggle.gif] 

 

 

We have some delicate digestions in the group.  Garlic could be a problem.

 

[smilie=graytard.gif] 

 

I forget who.  Someone in the group can't have soy or beans.

 

Never mind.

 

[smilie=holyshit.gif] 


Edited by jonathanlobl, 21 July 2018 - 05:11 PM.

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Minister, Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic (02/20/2002)
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#2
JadeBlackOlive

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Sounds good to me.

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#3
Joe Bloe

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When I was a child the joke churches were:

 

The Bush Baptists (for uneducated hillbillies living far out in the bush)

 

The Callithumpians (This word has a completely different meaning in other countries but in Australia it is a joke religion)


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Believe nothing you hear and only half what you see.

#4
JadeBlackOlive

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Then there are the...….. 

 

calf-licks

 

baptwits

 

jehoovers witlesses

 

Courtesy of a late friend.


Jade  Meeow!

 

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#5
jonathanlobl

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The Church of Google actually has me tempted.  


Minister, Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic (02/20/2002)
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Minister, First Church of Atheism (05/10/2008)


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#6
Cousin Ricky

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The Church of the Subgenius looks like the most fun.
“Facts seem to roll off a Christian like water off a duck.” —Great Ape

“How much can you actually doubt something and still maintain that you believe it?” —Josh K, “Alpha and Omega”

“You don’t understand. My crisis of faith is over.

#7
jonathanlobl

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There is also the goddess Apathea; the personification of Apathy.  Apathea has her charms.  I can't bring myself to care enough.  Maybe I should join.  Because I don't care.  If Apathea exists at all, she also doesn't care whether or not I join.

 

At least, the theology makes sense.  Not that it matters.  At least Apathea's following know why she's ignoring them.

 

Of course, her priests don't need seminary.  An advanced degree in not caring?  Nobody could care enough.  An advanced ritual could be taking a nap.  Of course, there's no point in registering Her church with the Civil authorities.  Who wants her sacraments?  I don't care enough to erect a shrine.  Not that Apathea cares about my erection.  Did I say that out loud?  


Edited by jonathanlobl, 22 July 2018 - 01:20 AM.

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Minister, Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic (02/20/2002)
"We don't know and we don't care."

Minister, First Church of Atheism (05/10/2008)


"Never trust the clergy!" Jonathan Lobl

#8
Aging Disgracefully

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How about The Church of the Tangerine? they worship what they believe to be the best citrus fruit, while all citrus fruits are tasty, this one is the best.

 

Apathea is my guiding light I'd have to say, she is with me in all aspects of my life. There are a million things to not give a crap about now, because if you gave a crap, well you'd be all crapped out in a few hours.


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When my people come to colonize this planet, your names will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 


#9
jonathanlobl

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How about The Church of the Tangerine? they worship what they believe to be the best citrus fruit, while all citrus fruits are tasty, this one is the best.

 

Apathea is my guiding light I'd have to say, she is with me in all aspects of my life. There are a million things to not give a crap about now, because if you gave a crap, well you'd be all crapped out in a few hours.

 

I must look into that church.  It does sound more healthful than the Church of Bacon.

 

With my low sodium diet, I can't have real bacon.  The fake bacon is disgusting.  Also high in sodium.  The price is an outrage.

 

I'm reminded of the old restaurant joke.  The customer is complaining on the way out.  "The food here is poison!  Pure poison!  And such small portions."


Edited by jonathanlobl, 22 July 2018 - 05:08 AM.

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Minister, Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic (02/20/2002)
"We don't know and we don't care."

Minister, First Church of Atheism (05/10/2008)


"Never trust the clergy!" Jonathan Lobl

#10
jonathanlobl

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The only Tangerine Church I could find with Google, is a Baptist Church in Florida.

 

If I'm seen walking into a place like that -- no decent person will talk to me.


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Minister, Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic (02/20/2002)
"We don't know and we don't care."

Minister, First Church of Atheism (05/10/2008)


"Never trust the clergy!" Jonathan Lobl

#11
Aging Disgracefully

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Fake bacon, that would be Facon.

 

did you hear, according to the FDA only milk from, well I imagine it's any animal, cow, sheep, goat etc. can be called milk, so they are going to have to rename almond milk for instance, it will now be called Nut Juice and I don't know what they will call soy milk, they can't call it "bean juice" because then it might be confused with coffee.  And somehow Soy Juice doesn't have the same ring to it as Nut Juice does.


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When my people come to colonize this planet, your names will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 


#12
jonathanlobl

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Fake bacon, that would be Facon.

 

did you hear, according to the FDA only milk from, well I imagine it's any animal, cow, sheep, goat etc. can be called milk, so they are going to have to rename almond milk for instance, it will now be called Nut Juice and I don't know what they will call soy milk, they can't call it "bean juice" because then it might be confused with coffee.  And somehow Soy Juice doesn't have the same ring to it as Nut Juice does.

 

 

Nut juice?  I can almost hear the dirty jokes.  Every wit, half wit and nit wit will be coming up with material.  They will regret this.


Edited by jonathanlobl, 22 July 2018 - 09:55 AM.

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Minister, Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic (02/20/2002)
"We don't know and we don't care."

Minister, First Church of Atheism (05/10/2008)


"Never trust the clergy!" Jonathan Lobl

#13
Ungodly

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Since it seems to make no sense this ruling was likely the result of campaign donations by the Dairy Council.  After all the primary purpose of government is to protect corporate profits.


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You can choose to live in peace and harmony with your neighbors, or you can go to church.

 


#14
jonathanlobl

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Since it seems to make no sense this ruling was likely the result of campaign donations by the Dairy Council.  After all the primary purpose of government is to protect corporate profits.

 

If the real issue here were accurate labels -- they could relabel milk as bovine secretions.  Or bovine lactations.  Yum.  

 

In all of history, who has been confused by soy milk or almond milk?

 

After what Trump just did to American soy growers  -- now they're going after soy milk?  I don't say this often.  They wouldn't dare.


Edited by jonathanlobl, 23 July 2018 - 03:48 AM.

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Minister, Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic (02/20/2002)
"We don't know and we don't care."

Minister, First Church of Atheism (05/10/2008)


"Never trust the clergy!" Jonathan Lobl

#15
Ungodly

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Tweety's grasp of reality is so weak I bet he has no idea he is alienating farmers with his xenophobia based trade policies.


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You can choose to live in peace and harmony with your neighbors, or you can go to church.

 


#16
jonathanlobl

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Tweety's grasp of reality is so weak I bet he has no idea he is alienating farmers with his xenophobia based trade policies.

 

The midterm elections are coming.  They might be an influence on policy.

 

The President is crazy.  Watching him tell Prime Minister Angela Merkle, that  Germany was too much under Russian influence.....  Wow.  


Edited by jonathanlobl, 23 July 2018 - 04:38 AM.

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Minister, Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic (02/20/2002)
"We don't know and we don't care."

Minister, First Church of Atheism (05/10/2008)


"Never trust the clergy!" Jonathan Lobl

#17
Aging Disgracefully

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After his just this morning all caps tweet to Iran. Saying Drump is fucking nuts is being way too nice at this point.  What in the hell is he talking about. Serious mental case he is.

 

Donald J. TrumpVerified account @realDonaldTrump
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To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!

 


When my people come to colonize this planet, your names will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 


#18
Cousin Ricky

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Rouhani is surely amused at this man-child having a temper tantrum in his glass house.

I do not like Rouhani's government in the least, but I can't help empathizing with him.
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“Facts seem to roll off a Christian like water off a duck.” —Great Ape

“How much can you actually doubt something and still maintain that you believe it?” —Josh K, “Alpha and Omega”

“You don’t understand. My crisis of faith is over.

#19
JadeBlackOlive

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Scump has never known reality, or what it is. Money buys everyone off, or buys people to make things ''go away''. Reality is not in his equation.


Jade  Meeow!

 

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#20
jonathanlobl

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Courage.  The trial is coming.  Maybe with a competency hearing.


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Minister, Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic (02/20/2002)
"We don't know and we don't care."

Minister, First Church of Atheism (05/10/2008)


"Never trust the clergy!" Jonathan Lobl


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