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Santa is a Christian Republican...just ask Rudolph

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#1
FlatEarth1024

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Everybody knows the famous song about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  But have you ever actually LISTENED to it?  Some years ago, I came to the realization that RtRNR is actually a song of unashamed bigotry and exclusion, only accepting those who have something tangible to offer for as long as they offer it.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - Johnny Marks 1949 ©
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Translation - FlatEarth 2006

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.
But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer was born with extreme Rosacea of the nasal mucous membrane.

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows
And if you ever saw it, you would be appalled and would turn away in disgust.  It's very color was enough to fill one with nausea and dread.

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names
All of the other reindeer used to torment him and label him with epithets.  In order to prop up their own fragile self-esteem, they stood upon Rudolph to elevate their own standing.

They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games
They never let poor Rudolph take part in community activities.  He was shunned as lepers, cripples and madmen have been for centuries.  As they frolicked and came of age, he peered through the blinds of his sparsely furnished room...altnerately pining for their acceptance and plotting his revenge upon his tormenters.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say...
Then one night dark and foggy night, Santa found himself up Shit's creek without a paddle.  Suddenly, his Aryan uber-Rangifer Tarandi were as useful as boobs on a man, standing around staring blankly...scratching themselves.  Who could help him?

Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Rudolph...I have a proposition.  If you will let me exploit your grotesque disability for my own glory and gain, I will allow you for this one night to join the other reindeer.  Keep in mind, it is only for this one night, and only because I have discovered a sudden need for your hideous deformity.  Remember, this changes nothing.  Tomorrow, you go back to being the pitiful, disgusting cripple you have always been.

Then all the reindeer loved him, and they shouted out with glee
All the reindeer grudgingly accepted him, silently resentful that this outcast Johnny-come-lately can just swoop in and become Santa's little favorite.  'We've been tugging the fat bastard on this sled all year, and now we have to kiss the new guy's ass?'.  They gave a half-hearted cheer and a half wave so as not to piss the fat guy off.

"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history!"
"This is why I hate these red-nosed freaks.  I'm a first team, stud reindeer, but will anyone remember me.  No.  I'll become a footnote to history... a "that guy" among sled-haulers.  But this mis-shapen dwarf?  Oh...they'll be singing songs and kissing his ass for the next  hundred years.  Now is that fair?  I'll tell you what it is....bullshit...thats what!  Fine, whatever.  Whee-o.  Yay for Rudolph and his clown nose.  I'm outta here."

#2
Ungodly

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I never realized the seething discontent, malicious sub-currents, and deep resntment of non-conformists that, I now see, forms the basis of Reindeer culture.

Why they are just as mean as a pack of feuding creationists.

#3
Unbeliever

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I wonder what Santa does with those reindeer during the off season? And those elves always did seem a bit odd to me. Come to think of it, I never have heard of Santa having any kids...

#4
FlatEarth1024

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What elves?  Those are Guatemalan street children snatched off the dirty boulevards of Quetzeltenango to work in Santa's secret North Pole sweatshop.  The pointy ears are part of the disguise to keep the authorities from identifying them.  When you hear the elves talking with their high pitched happy voices on TV, that's just a voiceover.  If you watch their lips carefully you can see that they are really saying "Por favor, Senor Santa...may I please have a sandwich.  I am so hungry...and tired.  I must have sleep.  Por favor, senor...for the love of El Dios...."

#5
Unbeliever

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The pointy ears are part of the disguise to keep the authorities from identifying them.


Well, heck, I thought they were just extreme Trekkies!  :smt036 [smilie=noeyedear-shrugging.gi


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