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A question about loss.

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6 replies to this topic

#1
The White Coyote

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18 years ago today, I sat next to my Mothers bed and watched as she took her last breath. For 13 long months she had been in and out of the hospital suffering from double lung cancer. It was left to me to tell the Doctors to take her off of life support and within 12 hours of doing so she silently slipped away. My Mom was my closest friend and confidant. It was the toughest decision I have or will ever have to make.

My question to everyone here who has lost someone is this. Does it ever stop hurting? Do you ever really stop crying? Do you ever get to a point where you stop wondering if there was anything more you could have done?
How do you handle the pain of the conversations you can't finish, the laughter you no longer hear and the hole left in your heart? There are days when the sadness washes over me like a cold wave and no matter what I do, I can't stop crying. Damn how I hate this day.

#2
FlatEarth1024

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Richard,

My deepest sympathy, both for your past loss and your continuing grief.  I wish there was something clever I could say, but I'm afraid there is not.  But I can presume to speak for all of us when I say that you have our ears to confide in and our shoulders to lean on.  If it means anything at all, I will pass the day with you in spirit and in my thoughts.

F.E.

#3
lady

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Hello White Coyote,
I guess we all react to the death of others in different ways as we do to all of life.  I am so sorry your grief is still so hurting to you.

But your grief shows how close and loving you and your mother were. How wonderful to have had that relationship. How fortunate to have had those feelings. How sweet the memories of times with your mother must be.

I have no such memories or feelings. I didn't even attend my mother's funeral.  No bitterness really...but no closeness either. I cry because I have no grief.

I write this not to make you feel guilty for grieveing so, but to tell you how fortunate you are to have experienced this connection -- the love between mother and child.

#4
Ungodly

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My question to everyone here who has lost someone is this. Does it ever stop hurting? Do you ever really stop crying? Do you ever get to a point where you stop wondering if there was anything more you could have done?


Yes, White Coyote, it does, sort of. It never really stops hurting, but the pain gradually diminishes. Back in October was the 44th anniversary of my father's death. I have found over the years that the pain of that loss has diminished very, very much. At the time of my father's death I was still young and it affected me greatly.

I've lost many people that were close to me, the hardest one for me was when my son took his own life. I can't imagine how anything worse could happen. A parent is not meant to arrange the funeral for their own child, it's the other way around.  In the case of mourning for my son, I was never able to get very far until I acknowledged to myself that I was angry with him for what he did.

You know as well as I that death is merely a part of the fabric of life, it is inevitable, and it is good for life as a whole.

Grief is a process with certain typical stages. Let yourself feel how you really feel every step of the way.

#5
Unbeliever

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I've never been close enough to anyone for it to hurt much when they died. I don't know who's better off, me, who's never been hurt this way, or others, who feel great pain at the loss of those they've loved greatly.

#6
aginghippy

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I lost my dad to leukemia in 1989. I don't dwell on the anniversary of his death, as I did for the first few years. But, there is not a day that goes by where I fail to wonder what he would think of this or that, or just wish I could hash things over with him. But, it's not painful anymore. It's just a bittersweet reminder of the fact that he was a good dad, always there to share in my everyday experiences. I consider myself lucky to have been raised by such a man, and I move on.

I just lost my mom, last May, to pancreatic cancer, and the sense of loss is still acute. I'm still in that twilight zone of thinking, "I need to call mom". Then it hits me like a brick in the face that I can't call mom, ever again. I suspect it will be like it was with my dad: the reality will take a while to sink in.

Do I ever wonder if there was "anything more I could have done"? No. Not with either of my parents. And, there was nothing more you could have done, Rick. WTF can any child do when faced with that most formidable foe: cancer? Other than be there to let them know you love them, and will be eternally grateful that you won the parent lottery, of course?

Peace be with you, my friend.

#7
The White Coyote

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Thanks Hip. Right now Your Mom and Rascal are sleeping under a blanket of snow but when the spring comes I am sure they will be beautiful as ever.


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